my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
sarcasm needs its own font
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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