genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.