I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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