I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
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I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
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I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize