woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Randomize
