as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
