You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
