Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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