If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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