My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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