Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
