Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
