i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
a search helicopter?!
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
