Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
