She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
