Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
