just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
worst night to have a conscience
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
