I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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