You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
