we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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