"it" just moved
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
