my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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