I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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