Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Pooping to opera.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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