i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
