can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
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Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
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Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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