Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
