gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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