I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
