Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
