Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
