You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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