sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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