Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
