last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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