i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
