Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
