somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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