Are we in a gay sports bar?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
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They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
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I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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