uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
