I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
