life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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