now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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