her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
