Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
