we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
