big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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