I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
