no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
