my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
