please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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