My sheets look like a crime scene.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
