My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
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